NPM's WebLog

Black helicopter alert
Never in the history of conspiracy theories have there been more black
helicopters simultaneously airborne than in the case of what actually
happened to Adolf Hitler on - and after - 30 April 1945.

Those of a less imaginative bent have it that the Führer simply shot
himself and then his few remaining mates incinerated his and Eva
Braun's bodies outside the bunker. Shortly afterwards, the Red Army
arrived and took what little remained of the unhappy couple and whisked
the bits off to Moscow.

However, some doubts remain. On 1 May, Martin Bormann, Artur Axmann
(Hitler Youth supremo) and Ludwig Stumpfegger (Hitler's sawbones) tried
to leg it out of Berlin. Axmann was later captured in the Bavarian
Alps, and maintained that both Bormann and Stumpfegger had been shot
during the escape attempt.

Black helicopter watchers know better. Bormann was subsequently
spotted in Paraguay, raising speculation that he and his old chum Adolf
had relocated to sunnier climes. After all, where better to hide out
than South America, where the authorities at that time had a rather laissez faire attitude to top-ranking Nazis bearing large sums of plundered cash.

Well, we can now exclusively reveal that there is one location
better suited to keeping your head down if you have made yourself
rather unpopular by provoking the Second World War - somewhere so
improbable that the conspiracy theory paradigm can consider itself well
and truly redefined. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "The Seal's
Lair", Bougainville Road, US Navy Exchange, San Diego:

Naturally, this being Adolf Hitler, he couldn't just bunker down in
some suburban duplex and get on with writing his memoires. Oh no, when
you've commanded the Thousand Year Reich you at least want an office
complex in the shape of a swastika, courtesy of the Albert Speer school
of architecture.

Those
readers wondering how on Earth the US military didn't spot this before
are reminded of the strange case of the arboreal swastika; a plantation
of larch trees in a pine forest near the village of Zernikow, 60 miles
north of Berlin.

Created in 1938 by horticultural Hitler aficionados, the swastika
was not discovered until 1992 by a researcher perusing aerial photos.
It has since been chainsawed into history, and quite right too.

Furthermore, the US can hardly be expected to spot large-scale Nazi
construction activity on one of its own bases at a time when every
available surveillance resource was directed at Cuban nuclear missile
facilites, then Vietnamese troop movements, and latterly, the vast
stockpiles of Weapons of Mass Destruction™ left by departing Iraqi
ne'er-do-well Saddam "50 Palaces" Hussein.

Thank God then for Google - the company which finally laid the Hitler conspiracy to rest. ®

Bootnote

A quick danke very much to those various readers who pointed us in the direction of the Seal's Lair. Good work.

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